my managers on the zoom call going over all my various fuckups when he tells me that he doesnt trust me at all anymore. now hes gonna review alllll my work and everything i do which makes me think 1.) ok waste your time like that 2.) i need to get out of here my time with this company is over and 3.) huh my girlfriend at the time said that she didnt trust me to my face last year isnt that interesting.
people keep telling me that they dont trust me at all which i used to get angry about like i was doing something wrong but now i get more of a sense of despair like oh goddammit this is happening again. i dont want this to be as though im crying about it on my public journal like waaah waaah no one trusts me waaaah i need a pity party, but im trying to determine **why** i dont give out the vibes of a trustworthy person and its hard to determine. am i a liar? is it my body language? my general vibe? am i talking too much or guaranteeing too many things to too many people? im certainly guilty of the last one and i feel bad about it when i drop the ball but doesnt everyone drop the ball? is fucking up once or twice really enough for someone to shatter their trust in me? maybe my fuckups ARE that bad and im not seeing them through the protective veil of my ego.
when i was younger i was a gullible dumbass who believed anything people told me like my parents or friends or kids at school, which always got a kick out of everyone because they all found it hilarious, a funny bit, oh look lets tell salty something that so obviously fake but he’ll believe it and we can laugh in his face and have a good time. eventually i got older and i stopped trusting people as much. sometimes im gullible and i still get used a lot but i have a better sense of awareness about it. like i know when someone says salty im here for you if you want to talk i know its a trap and that im just gonna say shit that will be used against me in the future like it has in the past. hmm maybe thats it, i dont trust people and they can sense that so they dont trust me. maybe its a cyclical relationship? people sense that im not believing them and they perceive that as a shiftyness in my own behavior. i mean i try to not be shifty or dishonoest or whatever but thats the thing about living is that no matter what people tell you “trying” isn’t enough, you’re either good or bad, nobody gives a shit if you’re just “trying” to be a decent person or not it doesnt matter. the action is the outcome at the end of the day.
i guess im fucked at this job, i’ll either float on until i get fired or find a new job somewhere else where i can start this whole trust/untrustworthy cycle again, rinse and repeat over and over until i become permenantly unhireable and start working service jobs again. or maybe one day i’ll unlock the real reason why people perceive me as a dishonest liar and then i can fix things. that’d be pretty neat.
Off cuff analysis here, pickles, but I think your sometimes-tormented relationships to vulnerability and intimacy might be contributing factors here. (Though, for what it’s worth, I think of you as trustworthy.)