i want to feel like this forever.

the first couple of times i got into a k hole were terrifying because i accidentally stumbled in to them, one key bump too many at the rave and oh fuck i cant move oh fuck i can see things oh god where am i whats happening whats happening. then thoughts just kind of melt and you lose control of your ego any idea of your sense of self and you're just gone, going on a guided journey of whatever visions your mind puts in front of you.

the first k hole i ever got into i was sitting on the ground outside sugar hill supper club in bed stuy and i had my hands in a triangle shape and i was staring into the hole my hands made and all i could see was this blinding white light. in the middle of the white light was an even brighter orb and whatever was left of my consciousness was swimming towards the orb getting closer and closer and the orb kept getting bigger and bigger and i was right there in front of it when my friend who was sitting next to me grabbed my leg and shook me out of it. i never did figure out what the orb was, i think it was a visual manifestation of god but whos to say?

the second k hole i got into was probably the craziest i was at sugar hill again a couple months later at another rave. ben ufo was playing dnb and shit and there i was on the stage feeling like i was trapped in this cycle of dying and being reborn and dying again and again. meanwhile in my vision i was seeing what felt like the star gate sequence in 2001 a space odyssey, just these lines of vivid colors that stretched on into infinity and bizarre abstract images that i can even really begin to properly sketch or describe or comprehend. i remember the whole room feeling like it was shrinking and expanding and like PHYSICALLY moving, like the club itself was being lifted off the foundation it was built on and floating through space but no it wasn't moving the room wasn't shrinking or expanding i was just standing there like a zombie at 4:45 am on a sunday morning listening to freakin on the floor by dj rashad.

those were probably the craziest k holes ive ever been in mostly because they were so unexpected, i was so caught off guard, it was like the white powder ambushed me and blindfolded me and took me for a crazy ride. these days i know what to expect in a k hole im better prepared for when theyre coming up and what to expect from one.

but i also deliberately seek out k holes these days they generally don't come to me as a surprise anymore. i like being in a k hole. i would love if i could live in a permenant k hole that would be really great. when you're in a hole it doesn't feel like you're happy or sad in fact you don't feel any emotions at all really. it's nice. there's this intense dissociation you have with the world around you, like you're still physically there but your brain is just completely fuckin gone. it's awesome. being in a k hole feels like being a tiny dot in a massive painting. being in a k hole feels like a hard reset of your brain. being in a k hole feels like your consciousness is tubing down a lazy river. getting in a k hole is a great way to get introduced to god before you die and are judged at the gates of st peter. it's not really a feeling you can hold on to when you've sobered up but i wish you could.

ketamines the big drug in the brooklyn crowd and the big difference between it and coke is that coke is a social drug, it invites hanging with the fellas until 7 8am wait what the fuck  its ONE PM bro i gotta get out of here i gotta get home i got shit to do, wheras ketamine is wholly an individualistic drug. you take some bumps at nowadays or the bossa bathroom or whatever and you are gone, you don't want to talk to other people well most of the times you really can't because your speech is so slurred, you're just spaced out on the floor letting the loud music fuck you senseless until it wears off a bit and you do a little more. theres a time and a place for both really i think. some people do both k and blow at the same time but ive found that just kinda cancels the effects of both you dont really get the chattiness of blow or the dissociative elements of k. but sometimes thats a good thing sometimes you want to cancel out one element or the other. helps tips the balance a little bit.