it’s (canadian) thanksgiving dinner and we’re all talking about one of my younger cousins who got a speeding ticket for going like 80km in a 50km zone (i’m too lazy to do the conversions). he boldly states he’s gonna fight the case in court which everyone at the table thinks is a funny bit. the conversation turns to speeding tickets and various other car mishaps people have gotten in to. i proudly boast that i’ve never gotten pulled over and that i have a flawless driving record when my younger sister calls me out for the time i wrecked a car.
shit. i had forgotten all about that, honestly. years ago when i was in socal i had an internship that i woke up at 5 am to drive the I-10 freeway west to some office on the outskirts of LA. i also had a lot of night classes so i was never getting enough sleep. i lived off of 5 hour energys and adderall for those 6 months. anyway one day i was driving back from the office one day and i had fallen asleep at the wheel but was loudly woken up by a loud BLAM which was caused by my car crashing into another guy while taking an unprotected left turn. i remember the other driver calling me a puto a lot. the cops declared it was my fault but didn’t write me a ticket or anything, which thank god, but the car was totaled because the insurance didn’t want to pay for it.
i had bad dreams about that for a while. usually before i woke up, on the last REM cycle. i’d be driving, you know going a normal speed and all that, alert and awake and aware and all that good stuff, when suddenly another car would come out of nowhere and (john madden voice) BOOM i’d get into an accident. sometimes i’d wake up right before the impact and sometimes i would wake up just as the (john madden voice again) BOOM happened and sometimes i’d wake up well after the impact with glass from the windshield all over me and blood falling down into my eyes like i just plunged my head in water and the guy in the other car motionless, dead, slumped over on the steering wheel and it was my fault it was my fault i killed him i killed him there’s nothing i could do to stop it i would kill him every time
i don’t know what happened to those dreams. they just stopped happening one day. i guess it’s because once i started driving again i got the confidence back that yeah, i’m a good driver when i’m not so tired i can’t keep my eyes up. the crash would replay in my memory over and over and over again and then one day it just didn’t and i forgot about the whole thing even happened for years until this (canadian) thanksgiving.
it’s interesting the moments you remember versus the ones that you don’t. or the memories that you want to hold on to versus the ones that haunt you at night. i find there isn’t a rhythm to it. traumatic ones, sure, those stick with you. well i guess traumatic isn’t the right word for me to use since i don’t think i’ve had a moment in my life that would be considered traumatic. that’s an insult to people who actually go through trauma. maybe rattled or shook are better words, yeah.
moments that rattled me. wrecking a car. receiving a letter that starts with I’m sorry and ends with never talk to me again. embarrassing myself in front of a crush. doing awkward shit as a teenager. getting screamed at by my manager who also wants to be my friend and ends up failing at both. these all used to dance in my head every day and night. i would always think i could never get them out of my head, that they would be stuck in there forever with a permanent lease. but they always left eventually. never when i tried to force myself to stop thinking about them, never that, but just kind of there one day and gone the next. i always figured they’ve melted into my subconscious, where i take the lessons learned from those incidents and every other action and decision and thing that’s happened to me in my life and incorporate them into how i live now. the memories can be discarded at that point. it’s like in high school when you’d have to learn some dumb algebra or trig shit that you’d never ever ever ever use for the rest of your life. the point was never the concept itself, but rather teaching you how to learn something new. because just like you have to keep learning new concepts for as long as you live you’re going to keep having new memories and new lessons along with them.
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you were in my dreams the other night. the first time in a while. i’m walking to nowhere in particular and you appear right in front of me. your hair dyed bright blue. not that it was ever that color when i knew you but your hair color always was fake. the eyes that i would find myself lost in are now empty and vacant. it hurts to look at them.
you look startled when i say hi. we talk about something that i can’t remember. or didn’t want to, what’s the difference? all i can remember is the dream fading with no resolution. no exchanging of goodbyes or nice to see yous or a hug. just the dream world fading and me waking up in an empty bed. i don’t know why i thought of you. i hope i never do that again.
you’re canadian???