I’ve had one conversation in the past four days. My call history says it was 12 minutes long. It wasn’t a very meaningful talk, one of those back-and-forths where you move from topic to topic on autopilot. where anything the both of you said goes in one ear and out the other immediately into the dustbin of history. theres nothing wrong with this kind of audible filler—not every conversation needs to be “real” or “deep” or break new ground, in fact most of the conversations you have shouldnt, really.
before i picked up the phone i was at 3 days without talking to anyone which is the longest ive gone without saying anything to anyone in a while but certainly isnt my all time record. i think thats 7 or 8 days which ive hit a couple times. the last time i hit that mark was during covid, which i think is almost cheating but still counts. id wake up at noon and raid my parents fridge to find something to eat then either game all day or watch 3 movies back to back to back or read pdfs on this ancient thinkpad i took from my old office when i quit that job. id stumble back to the kitchen to eat dinner but in a silent manner, staring out into space while the rest of my family argued loudly about some topic i didnt care about, me not really paying attention, finishing my plate and cleaning up and shuffling back to my room and getting high until i passed out.
a nice life really. not one that was sustainable in any sense of the imagination but a great period of stasis. of not doing anything of not having expectations to do anything of not degrading but not getting better either. silently shuffling amongst the halls of my parents covid compound, unable to leave unless absolutely necessary, experiencing the world collapse around you in riots and body bags and massive wildfires that paint the sky blood red through pixels on your screen(s). being alive in the sense that your heart is beating and you breathe in and out but thats it.
i kind of want to go back to that. i got laid off from my job recently and im getting a bit of severance and have a decent amount of cash saved up and no debt so i could if i wanted to. not forever but certainly for a little while. im getting tired of going to boring party after boring party thats being photographed by matt thecobrabelmondo. of staying up till 8 or 9 am in some random apartment being surrounded by people i dont know. of doing too many psychidelics that trap me in the supermax prison of my subconscious. fortunately new york is a great city to disappear in. the default state of living here is being alone and surrounded by people wherever you turn.
(of course im saying that i’m tired of partying and going out all the time knowing full well that im full of shit and that i wont, like clockwork, end up in some chinatown apartment at 7:34 am on any given morning. i know myself too well.)
what would i do? i dunno. im working on infinite jest (about ~40% through). im gonna re-download skyrim on my ps4. and beat ARMORED CORE™ VI: FIRES OF RUBICON™. i could fix stampsbot which ive been meaning to do for months. im visiting my sisters again soon as if the relationship between me and them isnt completely spiritually disconnected. just one more trip bro trust me just one more visit that’ll fix things. apply for jobs. go on aimless walks listening to portishead now that the weather isn’t total dogshit. write more of these schizo rambling blog posts that scare the hoes. i had an idea for a short story about a man who learns how to fly. i just need to get it down on paper.