i tell my friend that i want to be more mysterious and she replies thats funny i dont know you at all. which means its working, the being mysterious thing. oh sure my friends know my name and where im from and where i live and what i do but i think thats most of all they know. maybe ive told them some supplementary information on nights i cant remember now but i hope i havent. i dont really want to be perceived in a deeper manner like that i think its annoying. im fine with my current identity as Guy Who Parties A Lot And Is A Cocaine Dispenser not like theres any real depth to that person what you get is what you see on the tin.
more mysterious more guarded yeah thats the ideal really. i thought itd be difficult to go out and meet people be known but not known but actually its really easy. all you have to do is just get people to talk about themselves which they love doing generally and then either ask more questions or relate it to something else you heard from someone else or read somewhere. “oh yeah a buddy of mine went through that” etc etc. this is a great approach too because it makes you seem like you have a lot of friends which the people i talk to always seem impressed by. sometimes this can lead to people having incorrect presumptions of people about me like this guy i know once introduced me to his friends as “the mayor of dimes square” at a party like no im not! im not shit. im just a guy who goes out too much im the mayor of fuckall.
well that can be annoying but everything has its downsides so i cant complain that much. again its much better than being known. being known requires being vulnerable with other people and id rather jump in front of a moving subway car then do that shit again. i hate being emotionally vulnerable with others. every time i do it i feel embarassed afterwards. being emotionally vulnerable is like handing someone a loaded gun pointing the barrel at your temple and daring them not to blow your head off. someone who used to be in my life once told me that the more vulnerable you are the more there is to love and i think thats complete bullshit. all you’re doing is handing other people a weapon to destroy you with. which is inevitably what happens. people either get furious at me in the moment or absorb the information i give them and use it later to hurt me when im at a low point. heres a typical story: J once saw me distressed and he told me that if i ever needed to talk that he was there for me and so i did that a couple of days later and then he just like got mad at me and mocked me and told me to shut up the whole time.
lol i just realized thats me being vulnerable
anyway
a different friend of mine says i need to pick better friends to be vulnerable with, maybe thats the problem im back at picking friends. its not my fault you know they seem nice when i meet them it can take months or years for their true nature to really show. i used to show myself too early maybe thats the problem, im not getting a good read of them before i decide what to say. im getting better at that though. the more i go out the more people i meet the faster i can sense a vibe of whos trustworthy vs whos not. that doesnt mean im going to be emotionally open to them though no. im done with that. better to be mysterious and guarded, safe than sorry. i still have moments where i get too open with people but these days thats just because ive done too much ketamine i’ll get better at that i’ll get better at bottling my emotions when im high. like everything it takes practice until you’re good at it.